I'm a Beaver

I've been kind of busy lately.  Boy am I thankful!  I was getting tired of being in the house all the time.  I am actually on a company's payroll... well, 2 company's! I just don't ever work, lol. I've filled in for the office at church, when needed, for about a year now and officially will be working every Thursday for awhile (and God willing, take over permanently the rest of the work week).  Plus I am a backup at Life Inc. That entails helping a someone clean, cook and organize. All three of which I love to do.  So I'm excited about that.  

But that's not really what has been keeping me busy. I've been going here, there and everywhere.  I love the summer time. It means trips to The Muny.  I got to see several of the shows this season:

My favorite this season was Little Shop of Horrors. I'm glad my BFF Ellen got to go with me because for the past few years we've been waiting for it to be done again on the Muny stage.  It was worth the wait. Though it didn't end like the movie, lol.

I get to see a friend and travel some of the country with my sister in a couple weeks! My sister and I are road tripping it to Texas for a week to see our foofy!  I think we may even go to San Antonio for a few days too.  I'm very excited for this trip. It'll be something new and something my sister and I can share for the rest of our lives! 

Tomorrow I leave for Current River for a week of camping and fun with friends and family! I'm so excited. We do this every year and some of the people have been doing it for 20 years or more! I'm thankful I got in on this tradition. It's a good time to relax and just enjoy nature and the natural rhythm of things.  I was never a camper when I was a kid. Hated dirt, hated bugs and hated nature in general, lol. And though the first day takes a bit of adjusting for me, I just love it! As long as nothing is in my tent with me I'm good, lol. My first night ever being there I had worn flip-flops because um that's what I do, lol. (Not now btw) And I almost stepped on a copperhead snake.

Should I have put a warning up there? Sorry. Anyway I wasn't even traumatized by that first night's event like I thought I would have been.  Though I may have been screaming a bit at the time. I just love the fellowship and memories that happen. And the tubing isn't too bad either.

Originals

You say you know me

But I don't see it

Through your actions, your words

A different story unfolds

Spitting and yelling

Kicking and punching

Breaking of glass and bones follow

Red replaces white

Black and blue become my anthem

Calm displaces the storm

Tenderness and soothing

Still accusing, still blaming

But softer, gentler

Like a viper in my bed

You say you know me...

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Patio

Flower are blooming

bunnies are grazing

the unrehearsed chorus

of birds fills the air

A buzzing bug flies by

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I hear what you say

   the murmurs and remarks.

How should I respond?

   In anger? Or malice?

My God loves me

   your dismay doesn't bother me.

He made me unique

   we are all unprecedented.

I love my God

   I've yet to be deluded.

I hope you love my God too

   because He loves you.

Dream a Dream

I had a nightmare the other night. It doesn't happen often, but usually they are intense.  I can't remember much, but I do remember I was PeeWee Herman.  I had watched this earlier that day so it may explain why...

Hope you don't have any bad dreams now, lol.

It actually wasn't as bad as other dreams that I've had in the past.  I've had the regular falling dreams and drowning dreams.  I did have a reoccurring nightmare that involved yellow eyes. They'd just pop up in the most weirdest places and that's the instance I realized it was a bad, bad dream.  The most horrifying one I've had actually sent me flying out of bed.  

I'm not for sure how the dream started, but I know I was me with another person and then halfway through I turned into Mulder and Scully, from The X-Files.  And then it turned into a 1st person event.  (Side note- most the time in my dreams I am me, but I'm looking at the whole thing like I'm watching a movie or TV show)  I remember we were searching for something through the house, but not my current house, an old childhood home.  And we got to the backdoor.  I opened the door and a revolver popped into my view and I remember staring down the barrel and then the gun fired.  

I remember seeing the fire from the barrel.  It took me awhile to go back to bed, lol.

straight vs not straight

I told myself when I first started this blog that I wouldn't make it about being gay.   Since that is obviously a huge part of my life and who I am as a person it was inevitable that I blog about different things.  This isn't my coming out story (which btw isn't much, but I'll address it in a later blog), but it's more about what I face everyday of my life.  Now some people of the gay community liken our struggle for equality with that of Women and African Americans.  I'm not 100 % on board with that.  The gay community does face opposition, there is no doubt about that, however I'm not sure if it's to the extreme of other movements that has swept this nation.  I could be wrong.  There isn't much of a strong LGBT community in my neck of the woods.  And, truth be told, I don't pay that much attention to things.  It's sad, I know, but it isn't something that I really think I need to focus on. I'm comfortable with my life, for the most part, and don't see the need to make any waves.

You could move.  ~Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood

But somethings do upset me.  I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but someday in the future I hope to be. I've stated for the last 5/10 years that I don't think I want to get married.  It's not an important thing to me.  The right person could change that, but right now in the place that I'm at in my life I don't see the need to get a piece of paper to say I love someone and am committed to them the rest of my days.  However, it'd be nice to have that option and at the present moment I only do in a few parts of my great nation.  And I don't mind a road trip if it involves make my partner and I equals. Able to have each other on our insurances, be treated equally in a hospital or what have you.  But just because I can go to Iowa and get married, doesn't mean when I come back to Missouri that the government in this state will recognize my marriage.  They won't. So if I want to take a commute to Iowa everyday for work just so I can have those insurance benefits for me and my partner, well I think that's discrimination.  I don't know any straight people that have to do that. In fact I have a better shot at marrying my 1st cousin than my gay boyfriend.

Of course if it's my gay 1st cousin I'm screwed. (no pun intended) Iowa will let me marry my boyfriend, but not my 1st cousin so that would involve a longer road trip.  See how that makes perfect sense?

I realize that homosexuality is a serious problem for anyone who is - but then, of course, heterosexuality is a serious problem for anyone who is, too. And being a man is a serious problem and being a woman is, too. Lots of things are problems.
- Edward Gorey

Now I'm not gonna preach at anyone. I know that not everyone agrees on everything. And the gay community isn't asking for everyone to agree that homosexuality is ok, but shouldn't I (as a human being and an American citizen) be treated as everyone else?  I just don't understand the hesitancy of the whole issue.  We gays are not recruiting any one's children nor trying to turn straight, hetero persons into gay zombies.  We just want acceptance. 

Labels are for filing.  Labels are for clothing.  Labels are not for people.  ~Martina Navratilova

I don't like to label myself, I think it limits me, but sometimes it's needed.  Otherwise, no one will pay attention.  I don't enjoy being labeled by others. I think it's my prerogative to be able to label myself. 

People sometimes think I'm gay because I once played a gay in a movie.  It's funny.  Audiences don't think you're a murderer if you play a murderer, but they do think you're gay if you play a gay.  ~Perry King

I don't like the word 'fag' or 'queer'. It's a hateful word, even if it's said in jest or love.  I hate when people use the word 'gay' in a derogatory way.  It hurts worse when people laugh after it's been used.  And I know that the majority of people aren't thinking when they do it. That's sad. I'm not saying I'm completely faultless. I still struggle with speaking incorrectly and chide myself every time I do.  It doesn't mean I'm a hypocrite, it just means I'm human.

Straight Americans need... an education of the heart and soul.  They must understand - to begin with - how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul.  ~Bruce Bawer, The Advocate, 28 April 1998

tweet tweet

I know this is probably redundant, but I just thought it would be neat to put the last few days worth of tweets all together in one post... just because I need a filler, lol.  Read from the bottom up for chronological order or be a rebel and start from the top.  I promise the next post will be of substance. Maybe

 

 7/7/11

Wow that door was a dirty skank

Mesquito bite on my finger, ouch!

 

Thank u 'Wipeout', u make a bad day good

 

Sunday School teacher: What were the Phoenicians famous for? Student: Blinds.

 

I don't find being kicked or kneed n the family jewels very funny Safe Auto

 

I've takin many a whore bath n my day

 

Go out 2day and preach the gospel... And if u must, use words. - St. Francis of Assisi

 

I LOVE how these jeans make me look

 

7/6/11

I just stubbed my toe while tripping up the stairs

 

This nonfat yogurt from Aldi ain't 2 bad

 

Working Thur and Fri, woot woot!

 

I believe nose hair grows faster than fingernails... But I'm not a scientist

 

There's 4 cardinals n the back yard... 5 more and we got a team

 

Turkey bacon!

 

I'm n the business of makin memories

 

I'll tell ya right now I could never b a preacher/pastor. The sermons and what not would b fine. It's the 24/7 availability people expect

 

Tryin my hardest 2 get comfortable... It ain't happenin

 

7/5/11

Wanting 2 get married has nothing 2 do with the gay marriage issue. It's the knowledge that we can do so when we finally find that person

 

I'm not taking any excuses this week

 

Certain people don't text me like they use 2. Not even 4 huge things

 

It's 80 degrees n here... That's warm.

 

I'm an adult I can have multiple after dinner snacks

 

This whole darn world's goin crazy, but a ho's gotta keep a schedule

 

I need 2 google the term 'to plank' bcuz all sorts of inappropriate meanings r bouncyin around my head and I would like 2 use it correctly

 

This peach tea is amazing! #saidlikeOprah

 

Woman walkin down the street pushing a stroller with a dog on a leash and talkin on her cell phone. All at the same time. #overachiever

 

Having mexicano pork chop leftovers

 

Oh! eww his fingers got cut off

 

Horses make me nervous

 

Y she's no bigger than a corn nugget

 

I regret little, but sometimes I wish I had a diff life

 

O I can't wait 4 pasta on Fri. O yeah excited 4 the Cards game 2

 

There's other stuff goin on

 

I don't wanna get up

 

7/4/11

That's like the 4th skunk I've smelled 2day

 

I was just about out...

 

Some people can't stand a quiet car ride. I am not 1 of those people

 

Skunk

 

That's like 3 levels of pigs n that truck

 

Is this fog or firework smoke on 55?

 

Idk if I can go 2 bed smellin of bug spray #orkinman

 

A fun 4th of July. Possibly the best so far that I've been alive 4 at least

 

Sometimes I feel bad bcuz I don't feel bad.

 

OMW I'm tryin my hardest 2 b a Thumper, but my tongue is so sore from biting it so much

 

I really get nervous when people text or talk on the phone while driving

 

Bridge

 

It's a little smokey

 

From what I could c of the casino's fireworks those people know how 2 do it

 

Baby, ur a firework!

 

I don't know which way 2 look!

 

7 diff displays from our vantage point

 

I'm officialy 80... I just bent over and a fart escaped.

 

Fireworks soon!

 

Playin Phase 10 and not winning

 

Playin Pit on the 4th of July

 

The house is talking

 

It's starting 2 get 2 where 5 min n2 any car ride I'm dizzy and naseated no matter where I'm sitting...

 

Was goin 4 a red, white, and blue outfit, but the shirt shrunk so went with camo shorts and pez tee. That's America with a country slant.

 

I felt very patriotic taking my shower n the stars and stripes themed bathroom this morn. Wanted 2 do a baton act, but couldn't find 1.

 

4 the love of Peter, Paul and Mary that hurts!

No Ba Humbug here!

I wish I knew that woman's name,

So, when she comes this way,

To hold my life, and hold my ears,

For fear I hear her say

She's "sorry I am dead", again,

Just when the grave and I

Have sobbed ourselves almost to sleep,--

Our only lullaby.

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Nature rarer uses yellow

Than another hue;

Saves she all of that for sunsets,--

Prodigal of blue,

Spending scarlet like a woman,

Yellow she affords

Only scantly and selectly,

Like a lover's words.

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I took my power in my hand

And went against the world;

'T was not so much as David had,

But I was twice as bold.

I aimed my pebble, but myself

Was all the one that fell.

Was it Goliath was too large,

Or only I too small?

Taken from:
The Selected Poems of Emily Dickinson 2000 Modern Library Paperback Edition, Random House New York