techie

I think we'ree getting out of hand...  Seriously.  I changed carriers a few weeks ago due to a way better price on minutes so I had to go to a different phone.  I couldn't afford to get a new phone so a friend gave me hers.  Now I'm totally grateful that she gave me a phone, but it's totally an old phone.  I had an android touch screen with Sprint and now I have a phone that I'm pretty sure doesn't make anything anymore.  I hate texting on it... it's so stone age-ish.  If I'm in the middle of texting, which takes me way longer because I'm not use to the old way of doing it, and I get another text message it will automatically through me out of the text and show me the new one... which doesn't usually suck unless I've got 10 people texting me while I'm doing one text. 

My point is: I've started to rely too much on technology.  So much so that I'm spoiled when I have to downgrade on a cell phone.  It's still a cell phone that we didn't have 10 years ago.  And I'm reminded how stupid we've gotten about technology when I see commercials for cars that will now tell you facebook status updates.  I mean, really??  Your that lazy that you can't wait till you get home to check your computer.  Even yet you can't look at your phone!?  Seriously.  Not all advances are bad or dumb. I really like the cars that have the interfaces where you can hook your mp3 player or phone and use it hands free.  That's cool and smart. 

I've always wanted a smart house.  I don't see myself in one anytime soon, but a boy can dream!  And the new cell phone options to use it as a credit card is somewhat cool.  I'm just afraid of how reliant we are getting.  The current White House administration would really like us to go paperless in the near future, but I'm very weary of that.  I just keep thinking it's gonna become one of those summer blockbuster movie plots where a hacker takes control and no one is safe. And we definitely don't have a Bruce or Sandra to look to to save us. Or I could just be over thinking things.

lemons

So sorry, I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything and I hate it when I disappoint my fans and admirers.   It's been a hectic week.  If you're not privy to my current situation in a nut shell I'm broke.  I mean like a joke.  I have yet to find employment, which hopefully is finally turning around, and I owe a lot of money to several creditors.  A lot.

I knew and know what kind of trouble I'm in and to some I seem oblivious, but I'm not.  I'm well aware of the dire circumstances that my past choices have put me in today.  I'm not proud of it, but I'm not ashamed either.  I'm heading into a new chapter of my life, hopefully and prayerfully for the better.  I lost my car about a week ago.  Not my favorite moment.  I felt really dumb when I looked out the window and realized my car was being taken away.  So I thought I'd be able to get it out.  Well I can, but I can't.  It's way out of my financial ability to get that stupid car out of repo.  I'm willing to pay the bank fees and even some of the repo company's fees, but I refuse to pay all the repo's fees.  They are outrageous! I can use the money for other things so that's not a big deal, but I really wanted my car.  I've felt very isolated since not having a car.  I can't just get up and go if I wanted to and I hate asking for a ride.  I was offered the use of someone's bike... but I'll humbly decline that offer because I'm pretty sure it wasn't given in complete honesty. 

So I'm without a vehicle until I don't know when.  I'm also in the process of moving.  Yeah I know, I hate it too.  I love my house and the fact that I have a house.  Unfortunately even if I got a job tomorrow there is no way I can afford it and keep up on all my other bills.  So I've decided to take a friend up on their offer to move in until I can get back on my feet.  Thank God (and I mean that literally because God has been in this all the way) a different friend asked if I would rent out the house to them.  So my house isn't going to go into foreclosure, which is awesome!  And it's an extra 100 a month in my pocket. 

The last few days I've been selling furniture and packing up stuff.  I'm purging a lot out of my life and it's very therapeutic.  I think this whole experience has been a needed stripping of my being.  To cleanse me of all this junk that I didn't even know I had.  I've definitely gotten closer in my walk with God.  I know to some that is hard to believe for obvious reasons, but it's very true.  It's a chance for me to begin again.

Puck you

So I went to my first hockey game the other day.  I'm still not sure about it.  For one, it was definitely different atmosphere.  Way more hostile than baseball!  We got there just as the game started and immediately I was confused.  I've never really watched a hockey game and thus really only know how to score.  The rules and regulations are a mystery to me.  Even after watching a 2 and a half hour game I still know little about the game. 

One thing I wasn't prepared for was the rampant drunkenness.  It seemed almost everyone around us was at some level of drunk.  Most left us alone though we did hear occasional profanity.  We only had one instance of a drunk getting up in our grill.  This group of young kids, probably just barely legal to drink, showed up to the game already drunk and one was a loud drunk.  Half way through the game the loud one started clapping, trying to get the crowd going, and proceeded to turn around and clap in my sisters face.  After a couple attempts to get him to stop the girl sitting next to her flipped his hat off.  It went soaring several rows forward.  That got us all laughing.  The guy didn't know what to do and looked quite stunned at what had just happened.  He left her alone after that and finally got his hat back.  Which is probably good because I thought he was gonna start crying.

There was also a hockey fan Nazi sitting to the side of our group.  She left us alone, but she would yell at anyone that got up during a play.  See, when you first walk into the seats there is a sign above the entrance that states, 'please get up during breaks in play'.  Anytime a person broke this rule she was there to scream at them.  Periodically we heard things like, 'Hey Blondie!  Break in play!!' or 'Wait till there's a break in play!!'.  She definitely wasn't settle.  At one point there was a couple of fans from the opposing team who were seating a couple rows in front of us cheering when their team got a goal.  Nazi got up and walked down a couple rows, went over there and yelled, 'pull your pants up!' and then proceeded back to her seat.  All we could do was laugh.

The hostile mentality did start to get to us because we started cheering anytime it looked like there was going to be a fight. A couple times I could hear my friend next to me mumbling, 'come on, come on' during the violent parts.  There was only one fight which, unfortunately, didn't last long and was poorly fought. 

I think I'd go again if given the opportunity.  We sat at the very top of the stadium and I'm sure it's way more exciting the closer you get to the ice, though it was still pretty exciting if not entertaining.  Maybe next time I'll take binoculars so I can follow the puck better!

Ms. Dickinson

Here's a couple of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson.  I started reading her in high school for a class presentation and I've loved her ever since.  I may not always know what the poems are about, but that's ok.  These are from The Selected Poems of Emily Dickinson 2000 Modern Library Paperback Edition, Random House New York


I measure every grief I meet
    With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
    Or has an easier size.

I wonder if they bore it long,
    Or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
    It feels so old a pain.

I wonder if it hurts to live,
    And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
    They would not rather die.

I wonder if when years have piled-
    Some thousands-on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
    Could give them any pause;

Or would they go on aching still
    Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
    By contrast with the love.

The grieved are many, I am told;
    The reason deeper lies,-
Death is but one and comes but once,
    And only nails the eyes.

There's grief of want, and grief of cold,-
    A sort they call "despair";
There's banishment from native eyes,
    In sight of native air.

And though I may not guess the kind
    Correctly, yet to me
A piercing comfort it affords
    In passing Calvary,

To note the fashions of the cross,
    Of those that stand alone,
Still fascinated to presume
    That some are like my own.




I'm nobody!  Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us-don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Richard Simmons

I'm going to start doing crunches.  Not the Doritos kind, but the sweaty ones.  Why Chris, you may ask, waste your time when you are already perfect and handsome?  Because I'm not a Greek God.  I'm more of an Indian God (the red dot ones, not the feather hat ones).  I know I'm never gonna be a Greek God or even ripped enough to not need a washing machine, but I do know I need to get rid of my gut.  Yeah, I have one.  Trust me on this.  So on top of eating better I'm going to do crunches.  Why crunches? Man you people are nosey.

Well I'm not athletic and hate running.  I tried it once, lasted a day.  I also don't care about weight lifting or being flexible.  Plus all those options are in public... I have always wanted to do the P90X stuff, but that costs money.  I did hear about a workout DVD called 'Body Gospel', but that seems weird to me.  What happens if during church service a song that is on that DVD, of which I've worked out to, is played?  I can already see myself automatically starting to do lunges or leg lifts out of habit!

I'm not sure what the ultimate goal with this is.  Maybe just to lose the weight because I don't need to do it just too feel good about myself.  I'm never going to be comfortable taking my shirt off in public or in private.  But maybe I can make some extra income in Illinois.

What the??

This is seriously how I saw it: A big mess.  I love Christina Aguillara, however she made the same mistake that many of her predecessors have.  She over sang it.  It's a song that you don't mess with and only twik a little bit.  Too me she sounded more like Mariah Carey than herself.  I can't stand hearing Mariah Carey sing anymore, because anytime she does, nowadays, she puts so many runs, high notes and the like into her songs that it's unrecognizable.  I know its the superbowl, but less is more!  Especially when singing such an iconic song that stands for so much.  I read somewhere that despite the word flub people were comparing her performance of our national anthem to Whitney Houston's performance way back in '91.  I youtubed both and I don't see how Christina's is anywhere near as good as Whitney's.

She maybe a washed up, crack addicted loser now, but she sure could sing.

TMI

10 facts about me:

 1.  I daydream a lot

 2.  Wasps/bees freak me out a bit

 3.  I hate labels... on clothes and people

 4.  'Unsolved Mysteries' use to scare me too death

 5.  I'm a pezhead

 6.  The number 7 is my favorite

 7.  I'd buy all Old Navy clothes if I could

 8.  U think I'm outgoing, however it takes a lot for me to go around people I don't know

 9.  I wat to take a giant leap, but am too chicken

10. My second toe on both my feet is curved toward my big toe

Raising Parents

My parents exacerbate me at times.  (Don't worry I looked that word up, it's used correctly) Yes, my mom and dad can be annoying at times.  Actually I'm finding the older I get correlates with the aforementioned, but I suppose that's life.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and they did an awesome job as parents.  I'm sure their parents were annoying to them too.  I can and should take some of the blame for causing the frustration.  With my dad, not so much my mom, I strove to not be like them.  That sounds bad, I know, but if you know my dad and how closely we resemble each other in looks, mannerisms and the like you understand.  Again my dad is an awesome father I just didn't want to be like him.  Same goes for my oldest, younger sister.  She's an awesome woman, but I didn't want to be like her.  And I think that may be at the root of some of the problems.  I don't do or handle things the way my father does and I think it annoys him which in turn runs down hill to me.  So when I don't react the way he thinks I should he gets aggravated and thus his reaction to my nonreaction or differing reaction causes my annoyance.

There's really only two main irritations that I have with my parents.  The first pertains to being compared to others.  I hate it even if it is a true statement.  I don't need to know about it because I am probably already aware of it.  Plus it's never a good comparison.  And I know they always hated it when one did it to the other.  Maybe next time it starts to come out of their mouth I'll turn the tables, in a gentle and nonthreatening way.  The second is trying to run my life.  I'm 28, going on 29 in May.  I've survived this long so I think I can manage on my own.  I'm all for advice or a tidbit or, if I ask for it, guidance.  But telling me what I should do in this situation or talking to me like I'm under 10 just irks me.  I've been told by some that it is concern and love and I totally understand that, but enough is enough.  I'm more than likely gonna do what I want to do anyway.

Then again I'm not a parent so maybe I'm missing something?

Blank

Desperate

that's how I feel sometimes
waiting for something new
anything to fill me up
change me into someone different
maybe an even better person

Exasperated

tired of the rigmarole
the hurt and pain
almost weekly, almost daily
chipping away at my reserves
discoloring my soul

Pleading

wanting to fade into the background
walk into the mist
never to return, never to resurface
forever behind
always Blank

Flag on the Play

I'm kind of getting excited about this 'Superbowl' that everyone is talking about.  I haven't a clue why... I haven't watched a single football game this season.  I know it's hard to believe I'm not a big sport's person, but bare with me.

I just can't get into t.v. games.  The occasional baseball game is okay. I mean that as in if I want to take a nap and there is one being broadcast I'll turn it on and turn it down low so I can sleep. Being at the actual game is a bit better, especially if you have friends.  It's a good time to catch up on things with them.  I sort of got into soccer a bit this past year, during that whole World Cup phenomena.  But if the game isn't exciting or the players aren't taking off their shirts in celebration of a goal I just have to change the channel.

I have yet to go to a hockey game.  I do hear those are way better in person than on the television.  I believe I'm going next week to a home game in St. Louis with a bunch of people... like 14.  I've just never been into sports or athletic.  Even as a kid.  Sure I'd throw the ball with my dad, but I wasn't, and still not, coordinated very well.

I also got hit in the head with sports balls a lot in gym.  That's probably why I hated P.E.  Seriously, if the sport involved a ball I would eventually get said ball in the face.  I think I broke a pair of glasses that way once.  But back to the main topic, I'm getting excited for Superbowl.  I don't know who's playing or anything like that, but it's about the commercials anyway... isn't it?

I feel dirty

I can't watch reality t.v. anymore. 

Well that's not completely true.   I have a show or two that I love to watch so let me rephrase that first statement:

I can't watch smutty reality t.v. anymore. 

It makes me feel dirty and ugly afterwards.  I can't even stomach Survivor anymore, with all the backstabbing and the like.  Don't get me wrong I love drama and reality t.v. is good at focusing on that, but some REALLY focus on it.  I've never watched an episode of Jersey Shore.  Just the premise turns me off.  MTV, VH1 and E! are the worst at this.  I don't watch the first two networks and I only watch Chelsea on E!.  That girl's funny.

Give me Amazing Race or Project Runway and we'll talk.  Those shows have drama, but it's not blown out of proportion nor is it exploited.  I can't even watch the entertainment news shows anymore.  95% of what they're reporting is about who's doing who, what new star is in rehab and sex, drugs and more sex.  It makes me want to puke.  Entertainment news to me is who's doing the next big movie or how that said movie was made and what the actor thought about the experience.  I can even stand knowing who's marrying or divorcing, but I don't need the details nor do I want them.  That's private.  I don't care if they are an A-Lister.

Now if you're a watcher of some of these smut shows, that's okay.  I'm not gonna look down on you for it.  However, I may have to leave the room if it comes on.

I ain't no lion

I was called a coward the other day.  I won't go into details of who it was, but it was a surprise that the word came out of his mouth.  I have to admit on his end of the event I may have looked like a coward and maybe if he had let me explain he would have changed his mind.  Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to explain. 

I've never been much of a confrontational person.  Never been in a fight, other than with siblings which doesn't count, or altercation.  That's due to 2/3 fear of being pummeled to death and 1/3 wuss.  Honestly I just don't see the point of yelling and screaming when it can be solved amicably and without breaking anything.  I haven't always been like this.  There was a brief time where I would lose my temper quite fast.  I honestly hate that part of my life.  I blame some of it on the job I had at the time and the room-mate that was staying with me.  I would get hopping mad at the drop of a hat! 

The aforementioned person is that type of person.  I understand why he is mad I would be too in that situation.  At the time of the confrontation I was in a public place almost 2 hours away and it was on my sister's phone.  I apologized, technically it wasn't my fault.  I didn't tell anyone to do that to him, but I was/am getting blamed for it.  I was called a few other things other than coward.  Nothing horrible, but also not needed if he would have let me talk.  So now I just ignore.  There's nothing else to do.  I'm not going over there to drudge it up and there's nothing I can do at the moment.  I will fix it, it's just gonna take awhile.